21st century attitudes to being gay or lesbian: a true story

A woman once told me of how her husband (Ben) who lived in the Europe for many years came home and married her (Jane) but did not want to bring her to Europe immediately. He left her at home and paid University fees for her to study up to a Master’s degree.  He refused to consummate their as he said that it was inappropriate to do so because of their Christian beliefs. She loved and respected him for his views while dying to consummate their marriage. She was happy that she would have nothing to worry about him womanising. His parents and her parents were not so happy because they expected them to start having children but nonetheless bought into his ideas. His mother spoke about how well she had done bringing up her son with strong Christian values.

Meanwhile on each occasion he visited them at home, he was with a white male (John) who was supposed to be his business partner. He was very loving, caring and protective of her husband and his family adored him. She eventually relocated to Europe to join her husband. He waited another three years to wed her and only did so when she began to complain and say that she wanted to leave as she could not continue without consummating their marriage and having children. His usual excuse was that he knew so many people and wanted a high society wedding which he was saving for at the time. They eventually got married with a few family and friends present but his white business friend John was not invited. She was disappointed and so were members of her family and in-laws from abroad who asked after him and wanted to see him in order to settle any disputes which kept him away from that special day.

Ben claimed that his job required him to travel a lot and so rarely came home. On the various occasions they tried to consummate their marriage he was keen on foreplay but could not consummate their marriage as he always lost erection once they reached the point of conjugal bliss. She was worried and more because he would not seek help. She had everything money can buy but living in agony as she wanted children but could not have them. Her mother in-law and her mum had become worried too and asked questions but she did not say much. They agreed to leave it to God and prayed without ceasing for something that will never happen between the couple. “The usual denial by many of us”

Her husband’s business partner began to appear again after they got married. He would come in choice cars which he let her drive most times. He always went away on business trips with her husband. They would usually come back with very expensive gifts for her.

She was now working and talking to friends at work about her problems. Many suggested many things including seeing a doctor as he might have erectile dysfunction but one elderly West Indian lady called her aside and said “I think that your husband’s problem is more than you know. He may be gay. My son is and had similar problems with the few women he pretended were in his life as camouflages. He tried to deceive me with them until I asked serious questions. His supposed girlfriend then told me that they were having the same problems. I confronted my son. He admitted that he loves men not women. His father was livid and would not think of it. I had no choice than to accept it and support my son but his father won’t. Our marriage broke down. I lost my husband but found a new beautiful son who then became himself and shows me more love than I have ever asked for or known. So confront your husband and set the records straight. He may not be but it is worth asking”

This was the moment the penny dropped and reality dawned. He was on one of his many trips abroad with his business partner. On their return with the usual gifts she refused to speak with him or take the gifts which worried them. His business partner was astounded and left very hurriedly.

She went straight for it and asked “are you gay? Silence! Are you gay? Stone silence! Well, I will have to discuss it with your family and I am leaving”. The mention of his family forced answers out of him. “Yes I am and John is my partner. I am very very sorry and will do whatever you want me to do so long as you keep it away from my family”. He called John who came over and apologised too.

To cut the long story short, agreements were reached. Marriage was never consummated. There are now three sons and one daughter who the three of them are looking after but only Jane knows who their father or fathers may be. The saddest part of this is that the children may never know who their real father or fathers are and the fathers or father themselves many never know that they are the non-consenting surrogate/s of another man’s children. Grandparents are happy visiting regularly and looking after their grandchildren. The big exception is that as the selfish mothers some of us are Ben’s mum suspects that something might be wrong and constantly tells her son that his wife may be having affairs. She pretends that her son is the victim of a wife who is in her Christian beliefs an “adulterer” and her son is just doing business with John. She complains that her son does not seem to mind and wonders what sort of man he is.

My greatest worry is the children finding out about their parentage later in life and turning against their pseudo parents then. Sadly the marriage has broken down for unexplained reasons. John is still in Ben’s life and the children are in private schools paid for by both of them. Wife is still living with the children and living her independent life. They never discussed this issue with either of their parents. So as far as the parents are concerned they have got beautiful grand children from their daughter and son but the only person who knows that they are wrong is Ben’s wife. One of the sons is beginning to suspect something and Jane thinks that he may be gay having showed interest in men. She thinks that Ben and John are influencing his views and wants to stop them visiting but cannot explain why to their son.

The big question then is how many of us are still living in denial and why? How long for and is it time to face the reality and embrace change? Although I stand to be challenged and corrected, homosexuality is an incident of nature not and acquired taste.

The case of Shiren Dewani and his late wife if true is typical example of how ugly things might get and the more reason why as parents we must listen to our children and accept them for who and whatever they are.

We might still be prejudiced about other people’s sexuality and would rather our children are straight but these are matters beyond human powers so it is best to embrace our children.

Pictures courtesy of Bristol Evening Post.

© JCO2014

 

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